Posted by on Oct 21, 2009 in Retranslation log | 11 Comments

I’ve been kind of busy and distracted recently, but I’m back to translating now. Luca’s Cosmosphere level 6 is nearly ready, pending my usual quick proofreading/sanity check, but for now, here’s a tasty excerpt to nibble on. Though maybe I should avoid food metaphors, considering it’s Luca….

Spoilers follow. Of course.

Croix(3) :20:20:
JP::未完了…?
EN::Incomplete wills...?
NEW:Imperfections...?

Luca(0) :21:21: 
JP::そう｡私の心には､自己否定をする嫌な自分が沢山いるの｡
   失敗すると後悔したり､人との付き合いで臆病になったり…
EN::Yes. My heart is made up with a lot of
   personalities that are rejecting myself.
   Self rejecting me, regretful me...
NEW:Right. In my heart are a lot of parts of
   myself I don't like and deny as part of me.
   Messing up and having regrets, getting timid
   when dealing with people....

Luca(0) :22:22: 
JP::自分の言いたいことが言えなくて､後で自分を責めたり､
   嫌なことから逃げて悔やんだり｡
EN::Me who is holding back, me who runs
   away from everything...
NEW:Not being able to say what I want
   and beating myself up about it later,
   running away from unpleasant things
   and regretting it.

Luca(0) :23:23: 
JP::その感情は､全部ここに溜まってくる｡
   そしてそれは､溶岩の海となってこの世界にあふれ出すの｡
EN::All those stresses come and stay here,
   and all that energy turns into lava and
   pours into this world.
NEW:Those feelings all collect here.
   And they turn into a sea of lava and
   overflow into this world.

These aren’t personalities that are rejecting herself, these are aspects of herself she wants to get rid of. Here, they’re specifically habitual behavior that she’s dissatisfied with. The descriptions of these traits are fairly off, and trying to personify them with “~ me” and “me who ~” is both awkward and unnecessary. She’s listing examples of things she does.

11 Comments

  1. Anonymous
    October 24, 2009

    Luca(0) :23:23: JP::その感情は､全部ここに溜まってくる｡ そしてそれは､溶岩の海となってこの世界にあふれ出すの｡ EN::All those stresses come and stay here, and all that energy turns into lava and pours into this world. NEW:Those feelings all collect here. And they turn into a sea of lava and overflow into this world.

    No intent to be rude, but I feel this has to be said:

    And and and and and and and and and.

  2. kensou77
    October 24, 2009

    Those feelings all collect here. Then, they turn into a sea of lava overflowing into this world.

  3. aquagon
    October 24, 2009

    Something that can be easily fixed during the editing process. And everyone checking our progress should remember that we’re translating, and anything that seems odd, or that not flows naturally, it’s because our scripts haven’t been edited yet.

  4. Anonymous
    October 25, 2009

    I know that, but it had to be said. Those kinds of sentences annoy the hell out of Grammar Nazis. Heil Grammatik!

  5. kWhazit
    October 26, 2009

    Remember that it’s conversational, too. People don’t always speak in perfect grammar.

  6. kensou77
    October 26, 2009

    i think it is possible to convey speech styles with clever wordplay and punctuations while being grammatically correct…

  7. Anonymous
    October 26, 2009

    It is.

  8. kWhazit
    October 26, 2009

    Usually, yes. “They then turn into a sea of lava and overflow into this world” would serve well here.

  9. kensou77
    November 17, 2009

    soshite -> “And then”

    ^might be better for preservation…

  10. kensou77
    November 17, 2009

    (blog style without editing isn’t that great… …)

    and i think

    “sea of lava, overflowing into this world”

    might be good too…

  11. Sirius
    December 4, 2009

    lack of updates…making me …nervous…

    /me goes to check the forums.

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